Last Tuesday, my five-year-old son threw his favorite toy across the room because it wouldn't work the way he wanted. My first instinct was to fix it—both the toy and his feelings. But I've learned that sometimes the most powerful thing we can do as parents is simply... nothing. Well, not nothing exactly. Being present without trying to fix. This is one of the core skills in developing emotional skills that serve children for life.
Why We Rush to "Fix" Our Children's Emotions
When our kids are upset, we feel it in our bodies. Their distress becomes our distress. Gabor Maté, the renowned physician and author, explains that this is because we're wired for connection—our nervous systems are designed to attune to those we love. But this attunement can lead us astray when we interpret our discomfort as a signal that something needs to be fixed.
The truth is, children don't need us to eliminate their uncomfortable feelings. What they need, according to Maté's research on attachment and emotional development, is to feel that their feelings are acceptable and that they're not alone in experiencing them.
Maté's clinical work with thousands of patients revealed a pattern: adults who struggle most with chronic stress, addiction, and emotional disconnection often grew up in homes where difficult feelings were quickly dismissed or redirected. Not maliciously—their parents were doing their best. But the message children absorbed was clear: uncomfortable feelings are not welcome here.
The Gift of Co-Regulation
Maté emphasizes that children learn to regulate their emotions through a process called co-regulation. When a child is overwhelmed, they literally borrow our calm. Our steady presence teaches their nervous system that big feelings are survivable, that storms pass, and that they're not alone.
This doesn't mean we sit passively while our children struggle. It means we offer our presence as an anchor. We might say, "I can see you're really frustrated right now. I'm here with you." And then we wait. We breathe. We trust the process.
Research in developmental neuroscience shows that co-regulation physically changes the brain over time. Children who repeatedly experience a calm adult presence during emotional storms develop stronger connections between their emotional brain (limbic system) and their rational brain (prefrontal cortex). By age seven or eight, these children can begin to self-regulate in situations where they previously needed adult support. This mirrors what parents experience when kids navigate sibling conflict without taking.
Practical Steps for Sitting With Difficult Emotions
1. Get on Their Level
Physically lower yourself to your child's height. This simple act communicates safety and connection. You're not towering over them with solutions—you're meeting them where they are.
2. Name It to Tame It
Help your child identify what they're feeling: "It looks like you're feeling really angry right now." Maté's work shows that when we name emotions, we help the brain process them. The feeling becomes less overwhelming when it has a label.
3. Validate Without Fixing
"It makes sense that you're upset. This is really hard." Validation doesn't mean agreeing that the situation is unfair—it means acknowledging that their emotional response is understandable and human.
4. Resist the Urge to Distract
It's tempting to offer ice cream or screen time to stop the tears. But when we distract children from their feelings, we inadvertently teach them that these feelings are too dangerous to feel. Maté warns that this pattern, repeated over time, can lead to emotional suppression and disconnection from self.
5. Wait Together
The storm will pass. Your job isn't to make it pass faster—it's to be there when it does. Often, children will naturally move through their emotions more quickly when they feel truly seen and accepted. Families navigating talk so kids will listen often see the same dynamic.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
I won't pretend this is easy. That Tuesday with the broken toy, I sat on the floor for what felt like an eternity (probably five minutes) while my son cried. I didn't lecture about taking care of his things. I didn't explain how I could fix it. I just sat there, occasionally saying, "I know, buddy. This is really frustrating."
Eventually, he crawled into my lap. The crying slowed. And then he said something that surprised me: "Can we try to fix it together?" He didn't need me to solve it for him—he needed to feel his feelings first, and then he was ready to problem-solve.
Age-Specific Approaches
Sitting with uncomfortable emotions looks different depending on your child's developmental stage. With toddlers (ages two to three), the focus is almost entirely physical: holding, rocking, staying calm yourself. Words are secondary. Your regulated body is the primary tool.
For preschoolers (ages three to five), you can begin naming emotions simply: "You're mad. It's okay to feel mad." Keep sentences short. Don't expect them to articulate what they feel—that capacity develops slowly, usually around age five or six.
School-age children (six to ten) can handle more nuanced conversations after the emotional storm passes. "Earlier you were really frustrated. What do you think triggered that?" This reflective work builds emotional self-awareness over time. A parallel challenge emerges around kids extreme ownership.
With preteens and teenagers, your role shifts further. They may not want you sitting next to them. A simple "I'm here if you want to talk" followed by genuine availability is often more effective than close physical proximity. Respect their space while making your presence known.
When NOT to Just Sit With It
This approach has limits, and being honest about those limits matters. If a child's emotional distress is persistent and interfering with daily functioning—refusing school for weeks, unable to sleep, withdrawing from friends—sitting with the feelings is not enough. That's a signal to seek professional support.
Similarly, if a child is expressing self-harm ideation or consistently destructive behavior, the priority shifts from emotional presence to safety and professional intervention. Knowing when to hold space and when to seek help is part of responsive parenting.
The Long Game
Gabor Maté's research reminds us that emotional regulation development is a long game. Every time we sit with our children in their discomfort, we're building their capacity to sit with themselves. We're teaching them that feelings—all feelings—are part of being human. And we're strengthening the secure attachment bond that will carry them through adolescence and beyond.
This work isn't about being a perfect parent. It's about being a present one. And presence, as Maté teaches, is the foundation of emotional health.
Starting Where You Are
If you're reading this and thinking, "But I always try to fix things!"—please be gentle with yourself. We're all learning. The fact that you're here, seeking to understand your child's emotional world more deeply, is already a beautiful act of love.
Start small. The next time your child is upset, try waiting just a few seconds longer before jumping in with solutions. Notice what happens in your own body—the tightness in your chest, the urge to make it better. That urge is natural. And you can feel it without acting on it.
These moments of emotional presence contribute to what child development experts call quality time—not because you're doing an activity together, but because you're fully present with your child in their emotional experience. That presence builds the foundation for a growth mindset around emotions: the understanding that feelings are not fixed states to be feared, but experiences to be understood and navigated.
Remember: you don't have to be perfect. You just have to be there. And every time you choose presence over fixing, you're giving your child a gift that compounds over years—the deep knowing that they can feel anything and survive it.
